Through dark streets
by stilljustme
Summary: After ten months out Jamie is finally cleared for duty again. While he struggles to restart and find home again in the NYPD, some old enemies are not ready for such a clearance. They don't forget, and they won't forgive. Even without his doubts getting the best of him, life is not going to be easier for Jamie Reagan now. Sequel to You will be Mine.


_5:04 am_. Jamie pressed his fists against his eyes, praying for sleep to come. For the last five hours his prayers had been unanswered, and he was running out of time.  
In three hours he would be back on the streets, out in NYPD blue to keep the peace in the part of the world that was trusted to him. Thrust at him.

After fifty-nine sessions at physical therapy and twenty-five hours of psychological evaluation he was done. Ready.  
Ten months of training his body back in shape, and of going through endless rehearsals to make sure he was not aggressive or suicidal and would not become paranoid.  
Ten months he had been treated to come back to the job. Not once had anybody asked him if he _wanted_ to.

And why should they have? Why would you go through all this therapeutic hell in the shortest time possible, if not to get back to where you've been? Being a cop was his life – used to be his life, till the glass in his body had nailed him at a new position. Seriously wounded. Unable to go on like before, probably forever.  
Almost ten months life as Jamie knew it had kept going on without him. Almost ten months he had trained his muscles and his brain to become the man he had already been, before, then,… it didn't feel right.  
Why was wasting so much time to get back to point zero? Why did all those white-coated people around want him to become the young man of March when it was December now?

_Because he had almost killed an unarmed, clearly crazy woman. _

Jamie curled down under the blanket but he couldn't hide from his thoughts. The man he had been "then" wouldn't have lasted much longer. Not after having lost Maura and almost killed Melissa. He didn't know what he would have done if Danny hadn't thrown him into the glass.  
Maybe getting near to dying had saved his life.  
He had got a second chance. Unlike Joe – another thought that made Jamie shiver. His brother had been a better cop than he could ever be, and still he was dead.  
How could that be? How could Joe be dead – and Maura – people who knew who they were, who loved and lived for what they did, and he was still alive, and afraid of it?

Two and a half hours to go.

* * *

_6:03 am._ The sky was shining pearly pink and soft orange, with traces of the light blue it soon would become. A wonderful winter morning to be out in the snow, or… fast asleep in bed, with your wife, enjoying the precious hours of sleep.  
Far too early, by any means, to be woken up by your cell. Not on a Sunday. Danny was half-minded to push the caller away but seeing his brother's name on the screen halted him.  
It was Jamie's big day today, for the second time now. Danny didn't know it for himself, luckily, but he had heard from many older cops that coming back was even harder than starting as a rookie. When you're coming fresh from the academy you got dreams and hopes and confidence enough to make even long boring days look good. You're full of illusions, and once these illusions are gone you're already deep enough in the team, the family, to be caught when you fall.

Jamie had missed ten months of this big family's life. He had missed ten months of almost everything, chained to his apartment, the hospital and a precinct in New Jersey where he had got his psychological lessons.

Danny's grip around the cell got stronger at the memory. He had driven Jamie there, four months long when his little brother had been under the influence of pain killers strong enough to make him unable to drive. Sometimes he hadn't even been able to read.  
For three months Jamie had fallen apart on the way. He hadn't said a word but his eyes and slumped shoulders had screamed out to Danny, every single time he had driven him away.  
It had killed him to see Jamie suffering like that, again, after all that had happened. Why was it always him? Why did Jamie – Jamie, from all people in the world – always have to get hurt?  
For three months Danny had failed his little brother, had been unable to help him. Only in the last month of driving together Jamie had seemed to have more confidence. Or had he just learnt to hide his feelings?

It would not be the first time. Jamie had never really talked about Sydney breaking up, he had not lost one word about the Blue Templars till it had almost been too late. Danny still shuddered whenever he thought about the car – he had seen the wreck months later, more per chance than out of will. If Jamie had jumped out only seconds later…

But it wasn't only the amount of stupid, suicidal modesty that bothered Danny. It was also the amount of hatred he had seen on Jamie's face the day that Maura Baker had died. It was their luck that Melissa Samuel's tumor had been so bad – because Jamie would have killed her. He had wanted to kill her.

Was it too early to let him out? Almost every cell in Danny cried to keep the younger inside, home, anywhere safe. He had been so close to losing him.  
But if his own family didn't trust him to be alright again, how should Jamie ever believe it? How should he feel whole again if they didn't show him that he was?  
And the detective inside of him knew longed for Jamie to be back on the street. He was a good cop, one of those the city needed.

"Danny?" Linda smiled lovingly as she opened her eyes. "You know you still got to push the button to pick up?"  
"Sorry, babe." Hitting the "answer" Danny bowed to kiss her. Linda got more beautiful with every day.

"Hey, kid. You know what time it is?" He grinned at his wife as she shook her head in mocking serenity.  
"I… yes. Sorry. Sorry, I shouldn't have…" Jamie's voice was filled with both guilt and the plea to be listened to. Danny grabbed for Linda's hand, suddenly close to tears. Something was wrong again. He had known Jamie would be nervous, scared maybe – but this was more.  
The last time he had heard this voice Jamie had been eight years old and Danny had been in the army.

"No, it's alright, Jamie, I'm just joking. What's up? Ready for today?"  
He would not fail his brother again.  
Jamie swallowed hearable. "I don't know… I… Danny, I really didn't want to wake you up."  
"Jamie, I'm your brother, that's what I'm here for, okay? What's up?"  
"Nothing really, I'm just… nervous."  
"Oh? Great. Cause your voice says you're panicking. – and it's okay to be freaked out" Danny quickly added, "you've been through a damn lot, it's not easy to come back after all this. I can't say I know what you're going through but honestly, I'm not envying you." Danny halted, waited for a little laughter, for any sign of life on the other side. He hated hanging on the phone with his brother, without seeing his face, without being able to smile at him or nudge him or even hug him...  
"Do you want to come over for breakfast? I mean, when are you starting exactly? Nine?"  
"Eight. And I don't know who I'm gonna be partnered up with." Jamie obviously tried hard but Danny heard the fear in every word.

"Okay" he said slowly, trying to calm his brother down, "so what about breakfast… anywhere else? Nearer to the precinct?"  
Jamie couldn't hold back a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Danny."  
Danny smiled. He would not lose another brother. "Of course. Calleigh's Coffee, half an hour?"  
"Sounds good. Thanks. And say greets to Linda and the boys if they're awake!"

"Right. See you." Danny hang up and looked at his wife. "Greets from Jamie. Also to the boys when they're up."  
Linda nodded. "So you won't be there, then?"  
"Don't think so." Danny stood up and looked for his trousers, "I gotta breakfast invitation. Or better I made a breakfast invitation. I'll see you at church."  
Linda sat on the bed, trying to listen between her husband's words. "Is Jamie okay?"  
Danny shook his head without looking at her. "Don't think so. He's freaked out. I can't blame him, but it's just not like him. I gotta take care of him."  
"You will." Linda stood up to kiss him good-bye. "See you at church. Love you."  
"I love you too."

* * *

The small coffee shop was nine blocks away from the twelfth, one of the few of its kind to be frequented mainly by New Yorkers. After midnight it was popular with cops on night shift but on a Sunday morning Jamie and Danny blended in with the hangover and early-waking student's crowd.  
Jamie's hand was cold as he shook Danny's, but his smile was real. "Thanks for coming."  
"I'm repeating myself, kid, that's what I'm here for." He winked. "So what's the matter? What did you do wrong before even starting?"  
Jamie frowned. "I didn't do anything wrong."  
"You say that buy your first shift is on a Sunday." Danny sighed. "Or did you ask for it to escape family dinner today? Erin's baked."  
"Really? Lucky me!" Jamie laughed. He loved his sister and admired her for her strength and the capacity to do her job and raise Nicki – but he had learnt to fear her bakery. There was no kind of cookies, cakes or brownies she had not forced on her brothers, and not one of the things had been eatable.  
"Yeah." Danny nipped his coffee to hide a grin. It was good hearing Jamie laugh, even for some memories. The past, good or bad, had a very strong influence over his family, he had accepted that by now.  
None of the siblings would ever get over Joe, over his short life and his sudden violent death. Neither would their father, of course. Having lost their mother at rather young ages was another thing Danny knew he would not walk away from untouched. Each of his boys' birthdays reminded him of his own, and how his mother and grandmother had been there. A birthday party without a proud grandmother beaming and baking was no real birthday. For his sons, though, it was usual business.

"What you're thinking at?" Jamie had stopped laughing, and Danny silently cursed himself. He wanted to distract Jamie, not himself!  
"Just… baking" he murmured, but Jamie's mind was already somewhere else.  
"It was exactly ten months yesterday" he whispered, staring down into his cup as if to find her picture in the milk foam. "I still remember our date."

From baking to Baker. Danny closed his eyes. Of course. This was one piece of the past that would leave him alone one day, him and the rest of the family, maybe even his father – but not Jamie.  
"I'm sorry" he said. "And I know that no matter what I'll say you'll never stop feeling responsible for what happened – don't look at me like that, you think you can fool me? But life's not fair, Jamie. We learn that it is if we behave ourselves, but it isn't. You can't change that."  
He lifted his cup as if it was a glass of wine. "All we can do is try and make it a little fairer and easier for the people. That's what we do. Understood, officer?"  
Jamie swallowed down the answer. Faking a grin, he bumped his cup against Danny's.  
"To the NYPD. And to you for being back." Danny smiled. "I'm proud of you, Jamie. Honestly, when you started I was afraid it would destroy you. But now…" He tried to read the look on the younger's face but it was a mask, and this was more concerning to him than fear or even despair would have been.  
"Jamie, you did pass all tests, right? You are allowed to go back? You can do this. I know you can, you're good. And once you're out in your uniform you'll feel better. I'm sure."

_But I'm not._  
Jamie swallowed. "So you changed your mind?" he asked quietly.  
Danny nodded firmly. "Absolutely. I know you can do this, Jamie, I know you're a good cop. This is what you're meant to be."

_Really? After all that happened, now you think this is what I'm meant to be? I changed my mind, too, Danny! Ask me if I still feel like a cop! Ask me cause I don't know what I'm going to answer!  
_He closed his eyes and nodded again. "Okay."

Danny sighed. His little brother was not okay, in spite of what he had just said. He was still shaken to the ground, but he was obviously determined not to show it. And though it hurt him that Jamie felt he needed having secrets from his brother, he knew he had to accept them. He had sworn to support Jamie in any way he could, and if Jamie wasn't willing to talk, Danny wouldn't force him to. Not all things were made to talk about, after all. This was something his little brother had to go through alone, and Danny hoped he would be over that dark part of the way soon.

Soon before he would break down and pull Jamie away from the streets again, away from the NYPD. Danny was proud of his brother, he was, and even neutrally seen Jamie was a really, really good cop – but every time Danny saw him in the uniform he saw Joe. Every single time.  
He hadn't talked to Jamie about this, of course, and to nobody else. Not even Linda knew how much it still terrified him to see another little brother walking around in blue, carrying a gun that in the event of deadly danger mostly proved useless.

Danny shook his head. Jamie was not Joe, he would not end like him… come on, these were not good thoughts to give his little brother on his way back to the job. The only job in the world they could do… for all it was worth Danny had never stopped loving his job. He had no memory of a time when he had not wanted to become a cop. And he had been right, he knew he was where and who he was meant to be, and his family knew it too – if not, Linda would maybe have argued he should do something else after Sean's birth. But what else should he do?  
What else should and would Jamie do, besides being a police officer? It was in their blood. It was who they were.

Sure Jamie was feeling the same?

"Alright then" Jamie awkwardly broke the silence, "I better go, I'm..."  
"Sure" Danny smiled hastily, "coffee's on me, little brother. Go out and make me proud."  
_And don't get hurt, please don't get hurt! And don't think too much about your partner if he's an idiot, he's got no idea of what you've been going through! Just stay safe.  
_"Thanks, Danny" Jamie said, his smile as forced as Danny's. "Say hi to the others from me, okay? And tell dad not to worry."  
"Why wasting breath?" Danny sighed as he watched his little brother leaving. At least physically, Jamie had returned to normal. He was perfectly in shape, probably better now than when he had started for the first time. "He'll be worrying anyway."

* * *

_7:25 am_. Still too early to be there, but better than lurking around in front of the precinct. Jamie's stomach felt like ice, with hundreds of angry bees buzzing around inside, and the taste of hot bitterness was lingering on his tongue. His lips were dry as he licked over them, and his breathing was too fast. Good start. The last time he had been so nervous was on the day of the qualifying examination to be accepted to the academy. But this was no test today, he had to remind himself of that. He already had proved he was worth it, he could do this. He was one of them, only been away for holiday a little longer. No reason to be freaking out as he just was. He would not fail again.

As Jamie opened the door he felt dozens of eyes staring at him. Most of them were familiar, some weren't. One of the new pairs of eyes was female and particularly pretty, brown freckled with green. Its owner, clearly a rookie, stood up and approached him, a friendly, professional smile on her face. "Good morning, sir. Can I help you?"

From the corner of the large room, laughter erupted. The girl looked over to them frowning, then turned back to Jamie again. "Just don't mind those guys, they're not waken up yet. So…"  
The laughter got louder.  
One of the officers came over to them, still laughing. "Can I please take her out of her misery, _sir_?"  
"I… I was just… "Jamie felt his mouth go dry as the other – officer Vinny Cruz, of course, they had started together but rarely seen each other, and Jamie had not regretted it – patronizingly put an arm around the young woman's shoulders. "See, Taylor, this young lost-looking fellow is our long expected guest. He's been a bit crushed as I heard but he made it back." He grinned, but in the mischievousness Jamie thought he saw honest respect from the other.

"Welcome back, Reagan" Vinny said as he now reached out his free hand to firmly shake Jamie's, "it's been a while."  
"It has" Jamie said, still not sure what to feel about his colleague. Vinny wasn't one easily impressed by names, so whatever else he surely was not nice only because Jamie was his boss' son. But from the embarrassed, deeply angered look on Taylor's face he realized that this was not the first time Vinny and his friends were making fun of her – one-year-cops mobbing a rookie? And now he had made him a part of it, too.

Sighing, Jamie let go of the other's hand and turned to the young woman. "Sorry, Ms. I think I wasn't awake enough either to realize Vinny still considers a day lost when he can't laugh." He meant to say it lightly but Cruz still backed away, and Taylor frowned. "Alright, officer Reagan. Have a nice day." She turned around without looking at the others.  
Jamie sighed. Not one minute back in, and already it felt like he had lost the goodwill of his colleagues. He was on one line with Vinny again, he had to remind himself, they were equal in rank… so why did he feel more align with a rookie?  
And why was he feeling older than his colleagues acted like, actually?

"Still a gentleman, I see" Vinny said coolly, then his face softened as he followed Jamie's glance. "Pretty, uh? And I tell you she's almost outmatched your brother in shooting." He sighed. "The problem is our young lady still thinks she's got a hell of a lot to prove and therefore won't ever talk seriously to any of us. Even if we really try to be serious for once" he added, judging the look on the other's face.

"Well, she'll find out soon enough" a familiar voice promised from behind. Jamie couldn't help but smiling as he turned around. "Sarge!"  
"Hey, Harvard. Good to see you." Renzulli smiled back at him, and this smile as well as hearing his old nickname made the ice in Jamie's stomach melt down. For the first time today he felt good about being here.  
"Good to see you too, sir. How's life been?"  
Renzulli laughed. "Life? Well, what do you want me to tell you? People still kill each other, sleep with other's wives and drive too fast. Nothing so new. I created a new pasta sauce for Valentine's Day, if that's what you longed to hear."

Jamie laughed too, his shoulders slumped down relaxing. "And how did it taste?"  
"I don't want to brag, Reagan. It was delicious. I was even thinking about bringing you some of it but I didn't want to make it seem like I was getting soft on my partner."  
"Partner?" At the reminder of the new task ahead Jamie's shoulder tightened again. "So by chance you know whom I'm partnered up with now?"

Renzulli frowned. "Harvard, they got your brains crashed in surgery? You're driving with me. At least for now. One month, maybe three, just to make sure you're still capable of doing it. Then… I don't know. Depends on how Cruz will behave with his new partner. I don't like the two of them together." He shook his head disapprovingly, looking over to the young men. "What I can tell you is you're not gonna drive with Taylor Johnson. Or any other rookie, for that purpose." He looked at Jamie intently. "Are you okay with that?"

Jamie nodded. "Absolutely." He shook his former TO's hand, trying not to smile too wide. He felt light, the weight that had made breathing harder with every hour was gone suddenly. Renzulli knew him, he would not let him make anything too stupid. He would not let him lose himself in too dark thoughts.  
"Shall we…"

Renzulli smiled. "Just been waiting for you, Harvard. Get your stuff, I'll be in the car."  
He sighed as he watched the young man running towards the locker room. As glad as he was to see Jamie back around he was worried. There was a look in his eyes telling him he was not ready yet. And who could blame him? It was always hard to get hurt on the job, even if you're trained to expect it, but being attacked by your own brother after having your girlfriend killed was two steps above that normal craziness. Nobody prepared you for something like that.  
And then Jamie had been away from the streets for almost a year. Things had changed and Harvard pretty sure knew it, felt it in any case. The precinct that had been part of the whole affair – it had been here that Melissa Samuels spread rumors and broke into various lockers – was moving on, and now expected Jamie Reagan to hop onto the train in no time.

As Renzulli got into the car he sent a quick prayer up to heaven. He still felt bad for not having told Jamie earlier about what that crazy woman had told him. He had been his TO after all, he should have known that there was nothing behind the story.  
But he hadn`t, he had shut his mouth so not to step on anybody's toes, and it had almost made him lose another Reagan.

"Ready to go, Sarge?"  
As Jamie crouched down in the seat Renzulli couldn't help seeing Joe before him.  
"Just a sec, Jamie, okay?" He swallowed as he looked at the younger cop.  
Jamie held the glance. He was not so anxious about getting started anymore, but he was in no hurry either. If he had learnt one thing it was that time either was or was not on your side. He couldn't force himself over certain physical boundaries, so whoever needed their help would need to wait just a little longer till they were ready. He had to concentrate on the moment – that was one of the first things the therapist had told him, to stay in the present moment and not leave it to go back and drool over memories of bled-out girls on a carpet…  
"You know I didn't ask to be your partner again" Renzulli said. As Jamie looked up he quickly turned his head, unsure how to go on.

To the picture of Maura another crashed down on Jamie. The lightness was gone again. "Sarge, if you… we surely can talk to…"  
"You know I thought after losing your brother… and almost losing you… " Renzulli still didn't look at his partner, "I was pretty sure I'd be fired sooner or later. God knows I often thought about quitting. I mean… how are we supposed to save other's lives if we can't save our own partners, right?"  
Finally he found the strength to look into his former rookie's eyes. They were filled with deep understanding and respect.

"So when the captain told me to take care of you I promised something. I promised it over my new sauce, and I promised it on your brother's grave so you better help me keeping it!"

Jamie shifted uncomfortably. It was always painful to think about Joe, but here, now, in this uniform, with this man beside him, it felt even worse. This was the life Joe had dreamt about, the life he had been meant to be.  
Was it really Jamie's job to inherit all of this? The life that belonged to Joe, could it ever be truly his?  
And how came Renzulli promised something over Joe's grave?

For a very short moment Jamie felt jealous, without being able to say whom he just envied.  
"What did you promise?" he asked, more to distract himself from the biting, dark emptiness his brother's death had left him with.

Renzulli took a deep breath. "I promised I would not make the same mistake again. And lose another Reagan." He closed his eyes for a moment, then started the engine.  
"This is not going to be easy, Jamie, and I won't make it easier for you. I will accept no excuses this time, no secrets, no I-don't-want-to-bother-you-stuff. You're not a rookie anymore, you're my partner. And that means you will keep me informed on everything you're working on. Understood?"

Jamie pressed his lips together and nodded. He knew exactly what Renzulli was talking about. After a moment he whispered, "the templar investigation is over anyway. It didn't change anything."  
"About your brother's death? No, of course not. You can't undo death."

Renzulli cursed himself as Jamie shrunk back a little. He mustn't get cynic now. A few moments they drove in silence, then Jamie pointed towards a corner. "See that, Sarge?"  
"I do." Renzulli grinned. "Ready to do your job, Harvard?"

* * *

_Get him through the day_. Frank shook his head angrily as he realized his thoughts were drifting away again. They were supposed to pray for the victims of last night's earth quake in Singapore – hundreds had died. Ten thousands had lost their home, their money, everything that could grant them a future. Many of those saved out of the ruins would die of hunger. There would be an extra-collection at the end of the mass to support the victims, and he had already prepared his wallet – but he couldn't keep his mind on them. Every five minutes it would trail back to his son.

_Get him through the day, keep him safe. Make him happy. Let him come home to us. _  
He knew he shouldn't worry. Jamie had passed all his tests again, and Renzulli would look after him. This was not the first time he saw a cop coming back to the force after being heavily injured.  
But it was the first time one of his children had suffered such a heavy wound that it kept him away. It was the first time one of his children had had to stop and check again if the choice had had made was the right one.

Erin shifted uneasily. As Frank gently laid his hand on hers she smiled faintly, but the motion didn't reach her eyes. They were filled with the same sorrow he felt, and with a grief that would never really end. _Joe_. It was hard to accept, after all this time, that his son would never come home to him.

But it was not only the child he had lost that Frank could see in his daughter's eyes – it was also the wife he had lost. Every smile, how weak and faked it was, reminded him of Mary. Sometimes Erin looked so like her mother that it was hard to look at her.

_He needed you_, Frank told his dead wife silently, for a moment allowing anger to take over the laming grief. _He needed you in these past months, now more than ever. He's been quarreling with himself; don't think I didn't see it. He's questioning our job. I know you never wanted him to be a cop. I don't know if he wants it anymore. But I can't talk to him about it, and Danny can't either. You could. You should be here. _

"Dad?" Erin's grip around his had tightened. "Are you okay?"  
Frank forced himself to breath normally. He understood why Jamie refused to talk about some things – he wanted to be strong for his family. Who didn't?  
"Yes" he said, smiling about as abortive as his daughter.  
Henry threw them a disapproving glance. "Could you please at least try to trust in God and Jamie?"

"But why does he have to work on Sunday?" Sean's confusion slowly turned into protest. "That's stupid!"  
"Because on Sunday there's not as much traffic on the streets, making it easier to catch speeders or stroll through the park looking for drug dealers" Nicki explained, "it's supposed to be not as hard as in the middle of the week."  
Danny frowned. "Where do you got that from?"  
"I suppose it's that way" Nicki shrugged, "since Uncle Jamie said he's not released to full duty yet."  
"He is released, sweetheart, he's just not doing full duty yet" Erin sighed, putting a big plate of beef onto the table. "And don't dare open your mouth, Danny, I know that look in your eyes and you will not talk to my daughter like this."

Danny mimicked indignation but obediently stayed quiet for a moment, leaving it for Nicki to get on with the conversation. "Sorry, uncle Danny, I didn't meant to be… you know… it's just that none of you would give me his books from the academy! How am I supposed to learn being a cop if I don't even know what to learn?"

"Well I suppose that's what the academy's for" Linda smiled, bringing the last bowl of salad. "And trust me, those rule books change fast. I remember your uncle Jamie learning with Danny almost four years ago – they argued for ages whose opinion was right till they checked their books, only to find out that both of them were. And not just once."

"Wow" Erin turned to her brother. "I didn't know you were that supportive of Jamie becoming a cop."  
"It wasn't about support" Danny murmured grimly, "it was about keeping him alive. He assigned for the academy four months after Joe died, remember?"  
"Guess I do…" Erin snapped, but before Danny could nag an answer, Frank sat down and loudly cleared his throat. "Let's say grace."

Automatically the family looked to Jamie's place. After an awkward moment of silence, both Linda and Erin started to speak.  
"Thank you, father…"  
"Th… for this wonderful meal. For bringing us here together again. Thank you for our family…"  
"… and thank you that Jamie is out there again, no matter how much we worry" Erin said quickly. Nicki, Jack and Sean nodded firmly.

Danny looked at his father and saw the same worry in his eyes. Jamie was good in hiding his anxiety, better than last year. He had managed to hide his doubts even from Erin. Which didn't exactly make it easier to get through to him. So all they could do now was wait and see how the youngest Reagan cop would feel after a few weeks back.

Danny sighed. He hated waiting.

"… and protect him and all men and women serving the people. Amen."


End file.
